when would be the time

let go, let go, let go,
because I want to move on

why have... gone so far ? i do really miss ... I wish i could find a way to let me forget ... the vague feeling .... walk off never turn back ....... never ever dwell in foolishness again ....again i hope everything never happened before ....... the memories just like flipping photograph, flash back .gee made my heart sank until the deepest suddenly .I turn quiet and sigh just want to be isolated from the noise around and the busyness make me feel like a stupid girl, laugh at my own ..... I wonder when this stupid girl would awake and recover ...when will it be the time for me to say
" ok I'm done !!, let's go move on "

2009 resolution!!!

my 2009 resolution !!!!!!!!

sometimes in life
embracing my surroundings
is the solely means to
C O N T E N T M E N T
<知足常乐>

"I know what is it to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.
I have learned the secret of being content in Any and every situation,
whether well fed or hungry, whether live in plenty or in want
because
I can do everything through HIM who gives me strength"
(PHILIPPIANS 4:12-13)

This verse being written by Paul when he was in a jail
being persecuted
how could he be so calm and peace in that circumstances ..
I think because he cultivate HIS presence ..
I hope one day I could utter or written in my trouble day
and be so contented in any thing that I am facing ..

knowing

"OMNISCIENT "
nothing is hidden
knowing everything
the past, present and future

fix ??

could I fix this shite today just happen
consequences that I have to bear with it
I really sick of the striking, loud screaming voice of him
why must shout at everyone and even hit the door, chair and all
I don't understand every time since I was kid
I know is absolutely is my fault
but could you just try to do something with it
i tried to be understand and put myself in your shoe
but just don't shout .. just don't .. ok ..
don't make yourself look like a mad dog that keep barking ...
I don't want to be like him .....
don't learn the bad things from your parents
because some attitude that they behaved we'll tend to learn
that's call parental-effect
I don't believe any single attitude or behavior is from biological or genetics reason
they are just role model that we would follow ..fast and unconsciously be a copy cat
I don't want to learn how to shout like him
indeed, could he just shout softly, nicely and hold on his tongue ..
I hate people shout at me ..loudly .....with the harsh voice ...
"hello, i'm just beside, why must you scold so loud and clear, I AM NOT DEAF AND DUMB "

what if I am in bad-day

What if I was in that circumstances which others have been through right now
in a circumstances which are poor, desperately need help, never heard gospel before, no love in me, what if i can't feel love, have no true friends, do not have a family which stand by me always, isolate in loneliness, suffering in illness .......................
would I able to cope with it ......???


I know there would be the day I would know and understand, walk through and experiences ...
I wonder .....what if in my lifetime I have to been through a lot of thorns road
.how my lifetime would be.....
I know some hard circumstance is a life progress ....
till one day, I still have to walk pass the thorn in life ...
i just wonder how would I respond and face that "bad" day will happen to me ..
what if my life in really thorn circumstances, harsh circumst
would my life still be happy like now .. or I would be happier in hard circumstances
would my life would be in dull or full of colours
would the day be the bad day or contrast it would be a day full of joy
I really want to know the answer ....
i only have to answer to myself when the day I shut my eyes ....
i am looking forward
would I be the flower still gloom among the thorns ...
grow absolutely beautifully in the bushed and thorns
or would be the flower which dying with the grass
which would stepped by others
and being thrown and burn with the dying grass ..dreadfully ..hopeless

How much I know

Unconditional love and cares
which my foolishness and stupidity are being examine
and forgiven
my tears are recorded on scroll
nothing is being hidden
the crisis in soul
the sins
is always uncovered and laid before Him
Cast down all, don't take them back.

Unstoppable rhyme - how can I keep from singing (Chris Tomlin)

CNY day of greeting ..blessing ...appreciative

esthertee

they'r + fern !! they are gang of funny people, nice people
I"M BACK
what a nice "balik kampung" tripss ..
I just leave my thing unpack there and swirled on my chair
and start facebook-ing
reading the 127 photos comment on the photos above and more photos on facebook
funny, straightforward, shooting !!!
funnny !!
enlighten my tiredness .....
I miss my college's friend la =0
I miss my friend too !!
the gang we've always hang out "G"gang !!
Wohoo .. felt lucky and so damn blessed .
with those friends and family around ..
miss my grandma in Johore d !!
hey friend
" enjoy your day spending with families and friends, because we would never know if there is tomorrow for us to gasp for a breath of air ......... "

"Appreciate, embrace, Love " =)

unstoppable rhyme-especially for you (MYMP)

are you a giver ???

Extremely exhausted !! completely tiring day
I am sick of driving currently ..
today in one day heading so many places going crazy, compete with the time
Today i've learn a great lesson .. from church
Do you know that one month if I could save 20 bucks ..
20 bucks ???? do you think a lot ?
it would be just 1/10 of my monlthy "allowance"
but I just know that 20 bucks we could actually help a uneducated child to know what is knowledge !! 20 bucks will be their school expenses
and 50 bucks !! more awesome and useful for them
RM 50 could be their monthly living cost !!!
look !!! how pathetic !!! I could spend RM 50 bucks in A DAY .. for goodness!!
i start to count and have the guts to save money already !!
i've determine to save money for this reason !!
Ooh now I just know a small amount of money to me actually meant a lot a a lot for others !!
Last time I used to be so understanding and a money saver ...
last time, I didn't lie !!! my friend could prove it !!
now ...... i think i need to repent !!
no more starbucks and coffee beans for ..........................half year ???? could I !!
until i save a cent first !!
i really regret la .. Today is the 3rd time I go to starbucks within a week !!!
could you imagine !! i've already spend 50 bucks for my damn drink and come out with PEE !!!
Oh no !!! Now I just realized how spoilt I am !! 50 bucks is a monthly living cost for a child man !!! how could I spending on a PEE !!
I need to SAVE !! i knew I woe many times already
but this time i'm thinking isn't affordable for me to adopt a child ..
i'll think about it ..
maybe until I have a stable saving ..
because I'm really Broke but I still spending !!
where is my GUTS and my self-control !!
I admire person who can be a saver they are not selfish .



TOmorrow Balik kampung for CNY !! i would die of " offline syndrome" in Johore !! I will !!
but my dad give me a"good" suggestion !!
he says " YOU COULD ONLINE IN STARBUCKS AND COFFEE BEAN !! "
"DAD NO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "
NOT !!!!! what a good suggestions !!! YOU'll PAY !!! (*grin)
Muhahaha I think i really need a financial plan for my daily expenses !!
I need to help my parents to save money (yea right ........).. economy crisis man !!
" I NEED I HAVE TO !!!! i think i'm going to adopt a child and provide them 50bucks rather than spending on starbucks come out with pee !! , 50 bucks is so useful for them to go to school woi !!"
ok i'm going to ~~~~ let's google to worldvision or compassion !!!
Look !! I won't let myself indulge in luxurious thing and shopping !!
I am going to do a money plan a resolution !! to save the children !!
I want to be a giver rather than a spender !!
I want to be a master to control money, not the one under the control of $$
worldvision count on me, i'll in !!
to help the children and be a giver !!

MONEY WILL BE MY GIANT in MY LIFE !!
that I have to face !!

"Make all you can,
save all you can,
give all you can !! "
ps

Small act .. big impact

I realized sometimes not everything seems hard to cope right
depends on how we see the matter ..
Today, yet still feeling sick a bit . but that's not really bugging me
erm and now my heart fill with gratitude and I felt so blessed
every one is being so kind and nice to me ..
who said there is no good people around us
I think definitely wrong ..
actually we could find love very easy .. no need to keep searching
is just beside and inside
look around me .. the "angels around me "
with a small little act I felt beloved
my other mom " mak angkat"
today she brought some of the food which I like to eat
and she actually remember what I like to eat
she brought the drink I used to drink during my childhood
although now is not my favourate food anymore
but I look at the food that sent by a loving heart
a heart that she had carefully concern of my needs and care what I like
before and currently .. she would never change ..
we don't have any family relationship but her love for me really touched my heart.
PLUS !! just now ah gaik she was actually not feeling well but she still busying planning for tomorrow gathering ..and remind me need to be happy .Thanks
and sometimes my mum would actually drop me some notes and place it at my door
remind me to eat the breakfast .. although the breakfast was not made by her ..
but is the heart ..
that I would know .. In this big big world

although everyone seems cold, but I am in someone's mind
although this world is self-centered, but I am in someone's heart
although this world is war-ing and in hard-circumstances,
but I am felt love =)
I want to sing it out loud I'm the blessed person in the world.
so sometimes giving is not a certainly loss
the person who gives is the one received the most

Falter

woke up.tired. fatigue.Falter. need rest and a break of mind.
go to a place which I could rest and really laid back ..
fish spa + Great place for food+ great people+ great photos
recharge me !!! fill me again tomorrow !!

tired tired .. shoulder is so heavy .. I want to ZZzz
tomorrow brand new day waiting for me to live as much as I could again
hope to have a nice sleep today
night !! have a nice rest tonig.. sleep tight =)

free me

Free me

no restriction or a set of rule how should I react
or a serious self-conscious or self-awareness
Today my " Petrol Tank " is FULL !!
completely glad and smiling just .. simple Free ..
here doesn not referring mean to free or time
is something from inside
that just hooo happy-free inside
at night, walking around college during law break time
and yet I still thinking nonsense go to the places where the shadow around the places
still in dilemma haih .. yet still today I miss some thing should be presence there
emptiness plus the cold breeze in the college .. there was no body there
i still wondering when is the time to let go completely
beside that part, erm ..I am still can enjoy my day
I knew that everything is just so fine today
yea .. simple free me !!
=)

Here it comes again

walk through the stair case .. In serious dilemma .. the connection is still in me getting more and much more stronger sometimes really hate myself thinking and missing but don't know why sometimes I scared I will lose it just have a strong feeling in some of the corner around which the shadow would just pop in my mind without knowing .. Can I stop all this just like have a short term memory lost or in some trauma now the place which I used to go is the place I scare to step in the place where ......use to go there every morning Why i just can't skip that moment of taught ... Ahem ... I don't know when I could get over it can I have an expired date .. my new year resolution in this year, I will try my best to let go .. and don't ever fall in a pit of shite...again ..
don't let this bugging me again ...never again .

Simple experince

Today the first time in my life watching my friends from the procedure admitted in the hospital
first time in my life, visiting the hospital on sunday .woot ..
Hospital was so quiet and feeling eerie even can hear my footstep walking in the corridor
and she was admitted into a 5 person room but just she alone
I felt the emptiness in the big big space hospital room ..
silence just fill the room ..
Silence great .. and i realized that in hospital that's the amazing place
call " the death of life" and the "born of life"
in a minute there are people dying and the next minute a new born baby was born
include the transition of mood ..under the same root .
there are people cheering and there are people mourning for illness ..
since I was kid till now I still have a respect feeling or a special feeling when the moment I stepped into the hospital. Whoo!
Take a look around the hospital you would have so much fun and again give you a pause moment to read " Life" ..

Self-centered is an obstacle

When some incident just interrupt in your plan or
some unexpected plan just interrupt your time ..
again procrastinate your day .. your hectic schedule
I shouted so hard and loud in the car today .."ARGH "
the Frustration and impatient ...felt so guilty ..
yea .. that's me ..
sometimes we'll have some incident that just across your day
interrupt in my day ...I just lose control ...
and plus ...I still can't change from being last minute
and never get my things done at once ..
I doubt I am not that great in my own expectation
stuff will started to lose
the reason why will make me a procrastinator i think is because my arrogant ..
my own self-centered .. i think ok I am good enough .. I never learn
I'm not humble .. I would think that everything would be so fine and smooth ..
without preparation or devote myself whole-heartedly ..
I think every thing will be ok .. because " I could cope with it " because I said so
everything I I I .. what thing so great about my self ..
now I realize I'm weak.... I still have to start from the basic .. beginning ..
not looking myself so damn important .. and "BIG " is the word
"ok be patient Est, put down the "I" in my life .. and started to accept the cruelty of life,
you have to toil and hard work for harvest and crops"

Watch your step

these few day I've stepped Back

The main reason I started to step backward, I think the main reason WAS
because I started to see myself in others eye ..
the thing I scare the most is this feeling
Step backward .... holding back

now
when human in trouble, I think the only refuge is the God and the people surrounding
friends ..
They always care how I feel, How's my mood each day .. i felt grateful
after today cell group, and a accident gathering fellowship ..
I felt so much better .. so much ..
so now ... I hope whenever I started to step backward in life ..
I hope again someone just hold on me ...push me forward ...
through the people around me ...
I want to say the people around me are the angel from God
so don't need to look for the angel .. because they are always around us
everyone around us are angel, black one, the who likes to nag, who care for me, who always call me to love myself more, who always help me, who give me a smile, who encourage me
Although they might not be the perfect angel, but look at myself ..neither do I ..
because I am imperfect, but the special, unique in them, the thing I don't have in me .. just you
is what I admire the most ...so no need to pretend like someone else ..because everything in us are already beautiful .. I like who they are ..God like who I am .. God like who you are.
We can't see where is HIM ..but he already there prepare for us .. everything
Everyone .. Because HE loves every one
So
STEP FORWARD ..LOOK FORWARD ..
I don't want to see myself from others eye again ...
I want to take a BIG STEP and never look back ..

"I was holding back

Now I've come undone

Clearly it's time to make a change
Or i could keep sitting and waste all day
I know that it's time for me to move
I've been given this minute to use

What we do here is just the beginning
New life is starting at every ending
every day could be MINE day "

song of the day -this could be our day (Addison Road)

the thing I've left behing .. run away

today go for flute class ... sad ..
remind me last time ..
Having lesson with Chong Yuan ...every time when I play flute
Look back my flute technique book, his hand writing on my pages
remind of him .. A great teacher come out a great student but last time I've always fail him. I never follow his will. I just do whatever I like
He always nag and force me to get into orchestra, saying that i'll be the great flute soloist
he asked " do you want to hide your skill just play for yourself, or the marching band?"
I know orchestra definitely a great platform for me, brush up my skill
I refused .. I was so stubborn ..but yet he still not giving up .. planning other strategy
... yea that's ages ago ..
A flute coach that I've miss ... a great friend I'd miss ..
I still remember his figure very clearly in my mind every time I play my flute
Wondering where is he now, must be in some place
A great successful clarinet soloist.. a great orchestra conductor.
Although we've stop contact each other ..
i miss him .. hope to met him one day
but I can sense that day still far away
until the day ... i dunno
I don't know how far could I go for my passion for flute
but I do know my skill or my music talents keep sliding down



God give me this gift I should grab every opportunities to equip myself
use the talent and plus diligent ...
sadly , I DID NOT !!!!
i regret .............. why should I let every opportunity and my passion faded away
last time I got distinction for almost every grade for flute
now !! the skill and passion just slide through my finger, fast, clean, nothing left
just left regretting and the stupid distinction shite certificate !
haih !! what am I doing !
I need a super huge courage to stand up and embrace my dream for music passion AGAIN
I dunno how much time to promise myself my skill and passion will come back
last time is a long time investment
I've learn piano for like 10 years since I was 5
I've learn flute for 5 years
I scare I don't have the energy and time to pick up ..
I scare I won't be that good any more ..
I just don't have the courage to face it that's the reason why I completely running from it last year ... Last year totally shitte year .
i really miss my last time strict tutor ..every day force me to practice and shouted at me.
I miss Chong Yuan, I miss Ms.Teh, Ms. Tann, Mr.Philips Yeoh
thx.Mr.Fernando, my current flute coach still patiently teaching me flute
but I still sucks .... yet still I did not practice what he wants ..
"i'm sorry, I need time and have to face my obstacle"
He know I have obstacle in front ..
but he can't figure what is it yet still he keeps encourage and give me complement
sorry mum still paying RM220 every month but my skilsl keep dropping ..
no improvement .............
and last time paid for the damn RM 500 grade 8th piano fees plus every month piano fees
I still FAILED my 8th grade !!! I regret !! why I did that ..how could be such a loser..
but I know
Shite .. now i just left and regretting and don't know where to start ..
and where is m courage to start everything from the BEGINNING ..
haih .. at least I express it out ..felt much better
I've run from this problem for 2 years ..
I felt so bad so bad so bad for I did and the thing I did not do
the responsibilities I did not accomplish ............

" how should I face this big obstacle, how ?"
"where should I start, how I am going fix this puzzle? "

prayer to God :
" Lord have your way in me, forgive me and let me forgive myself, give me the courage and show me the way.
I'm sorry for the time I've lost, sorry for the gifts and responsibility that you gave to me, I've missed it, I did not hold on the opportunity and I did not follow your way, I was like Jonah, who run away from your will..
you've given me the best, the best flute I've ever have .. I been asking for long time .. you hear my prayer and my dad bought it, i was so so happy...the platform, everything is countless .. but see Lord what've I done . and look what I gave to you..my lazyness, problem, my irresponsibilties, blaming .....
I'm sorry.....forgive my sins and wrong doing .. but Lord, you never abandon me, you keep giving me chances no matter how much I've done because of your love ....
Now, you have given me many opportunity in church in children ministry, secretary, youth, music, to serve you and a chance to equip myself. Lord, take my past and lead me walk out from the past, give me courage to face the problem and face the responsibilities I shall face, let your holy spirit guild me ..listen to my plead ..
In Jesus name I pray and ask, Amen.

SUNSHINY !!

Today ends ..
I have spend more time smiling than mourning
and today ..
WHEE !!!! I've seen SUNSHINE !!! SHINE !!!!!!
Whee ! sunshine drop on my head, warm my skin and my soul !!
I've loving it man !!
Mood increase to 90% ..
But I've seen many people around me not in a mood .. laugh
I understand ...we can't be happy every moment in our life
But i feels bad that I can't help up .. or make them laugh
I can't do anything or bring happiness to them
I know the bad awful feeling .
you will feel like you'r soul is totally empty
I hope they can find something that could make them smile again !!
I've swear to myself .. I'm going to smile today.. I did it!
left the unhappy to God ..back to the source of joy
come whatever shite !!
I am ready to face it !! Coma coma coma coma !!
Have a nice rest and I'll go work out tomorrow !!

Shittest moment ,.. that's enough

today is the third of emo-ing I am not in the mood to go out .today the sky still dull and I can't feel the warmness of the sun My heart yet still .. dwell in coldness, dreadful no mood .. I am sleepy .. suffering from Insomnia yesterday night finally received a good news " class has been canceled !!". Yohoo ! because I know my condition now is not ok, I can't even smile
just like a skeleton without soul better stay and dying at home ..after two hours nap finally feeling better a bit at least

OK !! I have decided I should be determine that
tomorrow I want to see the sunshine
and melt my heart tomorrow ..
Maximum 3 days ..being not happy ..
That's it !! I'd enough ! I hate this awful feeling !!
I can't dwell in this whole pit of shite-thing again
Today just cry out loud like there's no tomorrow !!
just like the rainy day today ...after a few day with the absence of sunshine .
the sky .. pour out tears
Tomorrow the fourth day ..
I will have to get up and ..
shout out loud
" I WANT TO BE HAPPY !! chase away the dark cloud in me !! "
I want to walk out from the unhappy soul
NO body can lead me astray !

"Lord, help me this person who desperate for joy in my days "

I am unhappy although i've try to smile from inside
don't know how to explain that kind of feeling
the sky today is just like my mood
HAZE spread all over the sky!! blur ..and can't even see the cloud ..and the blue blue sky
Dull ....no radiant of sunshiine..... piece of dullness and coldness ..
I can't explain just .. dull and find no reason to smile

This is for ah gaik and phey

" I'm sorry for making the empty promises to you all
and ah gaik ..... these few days i really don't know how to talk to you about this ..
so few days I didn't call you up
I felt very very very bad
I should talk to you guys early
i know how happy and excited you all know that I'm coming
I felt so bad !!!
I ... speechless
Summore you guys being so good considering everything for me
give me courage and comfort me
I even felt bad ....
thinking why you all treat me so good
and I've done this to you all...
I'm sorry you guys having exams and have to bother you all
and making plan for me
this PPK person ...........
haih !! I'm such a bad friend right ........
I hate myself making promise d
and give you all hope
and then a big dissappointment,
i'm not busy, even i'm busy
i'll do as much as I can to finish my thing and go !
just like you all always come back even you guys have presentation
but have some parents permission problem,
i felt that I'm such a useless friend to you all
even a small promise I can't fulfill ...and making you all sad and worry
besides sorry I don't know what should I do ..
if you all angry at me
you all can shout at me, beat me, k
no hiding any feelings from me ......
haih ... sometimes I think I am a person don't deserve friends like you all beside me
I can't give anything to you all ..
besides give you all worries and empty promises
I don't hope for forgiveness
I am just hoping you all don't distracted in your exam because of this matters
is not worth ...........

" i'm sorry "

don't fall too hard .. look up

yesterday I slept at four. Today woke up at 8am, my eyes barely open, pulling my eye harshly to fix in the contact lenses, I've lost my contact lenses, starving, rushing to prepare go to church leading the children to sing, rushing to shop photocopy which need it at the meeting in the afternoon .... still have to update and distribute the paper work, as a secretary in sunday's school teacher which I just finished at 4am in the morning ..wohoo. give me a round of applause .....i'm such a procrastinator .. no body would be 1st procrastinator ever

That's not the most dissapointment part .. the most dissappointing part was the document and papers that I've just photocopy .........after a long discussion ........... become a pile of recycle paper......................................................because they rediscuss the agenda and make amendment regarding the NEW NEW NEW year plan, not using the previous new year plan which I've just photocopy ............. and again appointed to some handle some heavy task ......sometimes I wonder, I am not good even close to loser why I appointed to some task ...can I handle it !!

i'm unhappy felt like why this happen to me ..I've been rushing to finish the papers, in 4am morning, photocopy, distribute, making amendment but now i'm looking at the whole stack of paper .. hahaha .. what am I going to do .....

mood .. 50%

Haih !! after express it out and craving for the food I like .. felt so much better, ... I am going to ZZzzz .. yet tomorrow another new gracious day !! I just hope I could cope with anything unexpected and live as much as I could ...accept my new friend of 2009, his name call "pressure" sometime is better to look upon the sky facing the sunshine
so what !! why should I dwell in the pit of unhappiness
how great the sky, how small I am, why should I worry .. I'm not the one who control
and how small is my worries are and how great is the creator !!
look and I smile again =)

mood - 70%
song: stand up stand up for Jesus

Awful

songs: tell me where it hurts
Mood : 30 %
Today .. Yet a day passed I dunno y the awful feeling flushed into my day Not saying that everything against me but today is just not the in mood I think that's call mood swingy ~~ hate that awful feeling went to crowded places, looking at every one socializing but I felt damn coldness inside .. a thought across my mind " run !! run from this places, maybe I should isolate myself" sorry guys i'm just not in mood for chilling around felt bad .. so bad .. I hate being like that .. hatred feeling ~~ everything just doesn't seems right and happy to me .. better shut myself down and have more time to find out .. emoing go away !! can you !! that's what I plead. thinking of more and more incomplete task and things to go on my life such a mess !! things like ..secretary in church thingy, go genting and KL thing, college stupid annoying law, self-esteem thingy, family thingy, future thingy, stranger thingy, money, food thingy. Argh .. just all sudden striking my thoughts .. i hope i just could run away from it .. till every is fine and solve I'm emoing ... I shall chase this feeling go away i can't focus on what I supposed to do ..
tell me ..

another awesome dayZZ

today woke up in the morning the first instinct "Let's go beach !! " Ok grab my bag, devotion thing, bible heading to the beach !! YOhoo !!
great, there was no body there .. quiet no screaming or cheering of people I like it .. it was calm and quite .. it has been a long time did not step on the beach the sea breeze hitting the skin and every pores on my skin hair got messy because blown by the cool air breeze listen to the waving sound looking at the beautiful blue-ing sky ...birdy ..even BIG CRAB !!
feel that everything in me is in slow pace.. my footstep, heartbeat, breathing .. of course my thought i feel peace ~~~
Good to feeling this way .. although is alone .. but not feeling pathetic however feel the freedom being alone a happiness being alone enjoy that space and thought cross though my mind Sometime we have to like totally disconnect with outside world and just focusing on the " ME " inside. It is important for me to have some leisure time for "I"
When I heading back to home my foot steps are tender and light .. then I said " Let's go watch Australia alone " wohoo !! that movie totally awesome ... Awesome .. 4thumbs up the best movie in my list ...is so meaningful and full of inspiration ..
Today .. yet .. another awesome day passed ..
I hope that each day I could have fill of smiling, meaningful, and joyous day simple, ease, smiling ..

these few day in college i find that
The emptiness fills the whole college..is the only I could find
remember used to searching and looking around
at least hoping that ..
but now ..
I seldom go to the place which I used to look for
do not like the sudden coldness inside ..
reminds me ..
all I could find is the memory
and current emptiness ..and shadow every corner
I miss the time ..
every corner ..every places ..
Thanks for adding color in my life and
It was the best moment I've in 2008 .
Thanks for the memories
Thank you .. wish all the best your brand new life in there ..many miles miles away =) *hugs*

this is how it begin ..

"Every once in a lifetime,
Someone like you comes along in a dream,
A dream so real, it scares me,
Right back to the start (to where it begins)

It's such a strong connection,
Feelings and thoughts that I can't explain,
I wish that I could find a way,
And listen to my heart

It's such a nothing day, hard to find a smile
And though you’re miles away, it only takes,
A moment to start
Cos I have been waiting for you to appear"

stomach !!

This couples of day my gastric pain is seriously killing me !! Woke up in the middle of the night and no appetite for food .. Ish ...and keep lao sai-ing .. Haih .. Miracle ..for not finishing my food and not craving for food My friends claim that I get thinner Oops .. kinda happy to hear that .. Life is hard but depends on our eye how we look at it !! GO .. I'm in control with my life Staying happi =) and being appreciated ..
I don't want to waste time keep living in a dreadful emo life ..
Because maybe there will be no tomorrow for me ..
I don't want to miss the miracle of every moment ..
a day have 24 hours ..
Eliminate the 10 hours to sleep, shit and eat
left 14 hours ..

looking over our daily life

how much time hours we'r happy smiling ?
and how much time you've spending to frown, worrying, and living in the past ..?

It's not about who you are ...who you knew .. what you do
It's how you live ...

I have money crisis !!

it cost me more to be poor !!!

I need persistent and determination for the resolution ..
Argh !!!
especially $$$$$$ and food plus shopping
GAgagagagaga !!
how could I resist from food, spending money
I've already making a deal with my mom
if I start saving this year,
she would probably give me a credit card .
muahahaha ...but sadly she won't debit any cent of money into my ATM !!
sob sob ... how could she be so cruel to me . this poor child ..
she would just give me 500 bucks per month exclude petrol
how do I live with a 500 bucks per month ...
In the past, I spent 900 bucks a month .. now have to cut cost to half !!
(at least got 5% additional)
first understand my situation first k
first .. i do not have home cook food for my meal hence I have to spend for food\
second .. My mom is super duper busy
sometimes I have to shop for my own stationary, daily needs, clothing
Argh !! How how should I kick my habits off !!
how !! I wonder ...how...SOS !!
I have to make a financial plan ..
how could I survive with the 500 bucks per month !!
oh God, give me persistent and whole-heart determination !!

a happy momeny means a lot to me

"we miss u lotssssss........really miss the momment that u scream at us......u put water into the drink when it is 2 sweet .....n your hair...n all the moments when u r wit us....mis u lots n lots n lots n lots......."

this is the comment I've received from Emma I used to call her chicken little ..
thx for not forgetting me in your life .. till today.. although already passes 2 years
sorry for not appearing in the band for the past 2 years
i used to promise you all
i'll come back every performance in the band
no matter what occasion I've promised ...
I started to miss the moment I used to in a band ..
the best band .. Give me the most memorable happy moment
although every day we have to screamed at our junior
and fighting with Teresa Chai, fighting with each other ..
although a lot a lot of happening scene, drama
a lot of unsolved problems
but that's the moment i used to enjoy alot under the sun, in the field
sacrifices our academic, time and energy ..
But that's the moment I happily committed my self in the band .
haih .. when I looked back
I still have a feeling that undescribable feeling
the last time which I was ..
the now .
the new I ....


my lovely juniors( not really junior.. the friends and the friend that held me to become a better me)
these a few words for you all:
" as time passes by, I will gradually faded in your life and memory, but you all do really give me a great time last time which I used to be in the band, become a mother that taught you .. screamed at you, laugh with you all, but now .... life keep moving on ..you and me will tend to forgetting each other, i will gradually become a passerby in your life.. but the memorable moment ...will always carved in my heart ..in the bottom of my heart... thanks for the memories and thank your that I've met you all in my past days ..
you all must work hard and keep moving on ... hold on the band and your "family member" in the band, together build a awesome, unforgettable memories, strive together .. for the band, for you and for me, k? don't forget all the promises you've promised to me !!"
love esther

A time for every season

Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace



there is always a time for every season, season in us ..
winter, autumm, spring, summer
we always hoping for the summer along the year
we readily admit we would rather choose to laugh instead of mourn ..
but think about it ..
the unexpected incident or we so called "shittest moment"
are meant to happen ...
Yet we know that as we embrace the lessons and opportunities of every season that comes to us
no matter what season .. is a season to trust ..
a season for growth ..
remember every season .. stormy day, sunnny day, gloomy day.
Is a day ... meant to be ...
has a purpose beneath ..

The first piece of 2009 :
About the past I just could said that it's over
IT's Over
I couldn't look back or step backwards to chasing for the past
What I could hope is just looking forward 2009
seeing the unstep path of life ....wondering, searching, stepping
I wonder what is my resolution for the year 2009
Still need to plan it details and stick to it ...
I wonder how far could I go ....
what's in our life could be planned
and what's not ..