unselfishness

Once you realized that love is not that "real"

don't keep holding on ........

maybe it's because of unprepared, fear, time, space....

letting it go .... let myself get back to one who I wanna to be...

A chance for each other to move on....

to the next stop ... discover more about love.....

conclude 2009

sometimes seriously I should just have to let it go ...

no matter what ...

these few days keep reflecting about 2009, the past. The past me. and who I gotta be in 2010.

Sometimes we keep holding on instead of let it go....it's because of our own expectation... the hope that we keep holding. a false one. no matter the past, the future expectation which seems like not right, it's within a choices.

I think I am a person who withhold something and keep give excuses and the reason why I should not let go instead of just letting go".

let go without regret and change another perspective we would realized....

yea that's breakthrough..... let it go it's a time to move on.

P.s :to conclude everything in 2009, in one sentences.

I get to know myself more than 2008, I finally get to know who am I.

prep 2010

In the New Year, be sure to LIE, CHEAT, DRINK, SWEAR and STEAL more than you did last year.

LIE back and relax just a little more this new year. Let a little more life happen to you without so much worry.

CHEAT failure. Don't be afraid to try something new because you think you may fail. It is through failure that we learn the most valuable lessons.

DRINK from the fountain of knowledge. Many people around you have already been down roads you are about to travel. Learn from mistakes they have made. Take what they have learned and use it.

SWEAR to do your best. All the time, in every situation. That is all anybody will ever ask.

STEAL a little time for God. Everyday take a little more time to develop your relationship with God.

relief relief

bbig relief !!! Thank God I've passed my web wheeee ....... finally done with Html..css no more nightmares.

i actually did not expected it to pass and It's like "B" never ever expected that happen to any of the computer, IT thing !!!!!!!!

because I don't really hand in all my assignment and the assignments that I handed up it's not on time, like really like super duper uber late!!!

however the subject that expected to get a flying colours, did not. desktop publihsing, design all the brochure, newsletter, posters which I think compare to web I put more effort. but it let me down !!

never mind. at least I got a relieved now ... sighh ...

Thanks to Veen dee and fern helping me out in of the web assignments. The final group projects which we do while the day before bangkok, during bangkok still rushing assignments, after bangkok !!!

and they keep scolding me :" I tell you est, you better not to retake web that's whole lot of shite to do, sent now !!!! "

things that regretted didn't buy in bangkok

1. Headbands .. penang so expensive

2. Dress..

3. Photo frame big one.

4. coconut Ice cream !!!!!!!!

I am actually tiny tiny tiny

discover myself by reflecting what I've done everyday .....

discovering yourself and others everyday I could see clearly who am I ...

and I am not that great after all ...

it's good to have a good expectation, an ego and superego within ourselves

but c'mon let's face the truth

face nakedly to ourself

" we are actually nothing, not that great after all "

I discover "when we magnify ourself, make "me" look bigger.. I am actually the foolish person ever, the pride and self-importance controls all things.... "humble become so small... other people become so so so tiny"

how could I keep from singing

All of us have a longing for something more.

No matter how hard we try to appear self-sufficient, sooner or later we run out of something essential.

Isolation,loneliness, and fear of death lead me to acknowledge our need for a saviour especially for our soul.

But where can you find Him? just like the people who tried to find him in the palace, but not in a manger........ who will expect a son of God born in a place where the sheep laid. a stable, a manger.

Jesus is not a historical person, or the main character in christianity's story, legend.

Open your heart and you'll experienced him.

Christianity is a singing faith because it's not about religion. It's about a love affair. It's about a relationship with God. He loves you so much that He sent His Son as a baby in a manger.

Beloved

I think every year not the christmas tree makes me feels like christmas season

but it's this plant .......

Beautiful poinsettia.

awakens me into this season of love.

"Christ-mas"

I couldn't find the planted in penang seriously.. I think because it's hard to plant it.

I remember that's was my dad favourite plant .

everytime he tried to plant it will just wilt.

haih.. so what I'd seen in my life it's the fake and non-living poinsettia ..

Last week went to bangkok saw a lot of poinsettia planted at the roadside

wha....so pretty, so .. indescribable.. I hope I could just bring it back instead.

I really love it..

rearrange

now sitting infront of my laptop with a lot of trash and mess around me .which I have no idea should I throw or keep it...

Because this couples of days don't have car ..no car is like laming a leg, seriously, esp need to prepare for christmas..

so .... "room cleaning " !!! and it's the end of the year..

grab the chance to throw the old ones !!

aww ..while keeping my staff I saw all those wishes boxes full of wishes cards, new year, farewell from school, Birthday, friendship card. haih .. think of some of the name written under which are the friends that I've lost contact with and their faces suddenly scan through while I am reading through. haih .. not only that, and look back my art's class drawing and the tools ...from crayon to color"buncho" .. and water color... then pencil sketches ...wow it has been like 8 years I've learn art. since primary 1 until form 3. haih .... what a waste ...I don't remember the skills anymore. but look at my drawing, seriously perks up my childhood memories while I was like so concentrate.

and last time I which my ambition was to become a fashion designer...

I even kept the fashion sketches. that's the only page of sketch that I don't want to tear it off.

and put on a smile on my face while I flip through pages by pages.

yea the anger part .. I saw the lost phone.. warranty and the new charger, headset, boxes.. haih

seriously clean your room you'll in dwell in your memories .. and I could see myself how much I''ve grown up....

backy

Wohooooo after a an exam and pressure war ..

Just came back from a paradise.

Everyone reserve a getaway after all that ...

When first I stepped in Penang

I felt like i'm in reality

call " my life"

thinking what plan tonight, tomorrow and

how to accomplish 2009 resolution in this two weeks time

and my 2009 life is gotta end soon ...

Get back to your life Estee....

patch back everything.

awaits

One question makes me stumble .....

which asked by my sister, she asked :

" is there someone in somewhere which you think of everyday"

my eyes gaze become soften

awww..

While I am doing my assignment .. Saw this typography.

Simple yet meaningful ........and beautiful

I got to expressed this out seriously !! Argh

countless time that I couldn't shut my eyes to sleep

and had a few times of breathless sleep.........

I noticed i am so depressed and stressed up !!!

Argh felt like wanna collapse soon tough !!!!

seriously I kept telling myself never ever give up

never ever .. Must finish it, must accomplish !!

every time I try to shut my eyes is just a lot of things, assigment, revision like

strengle me so hard so hard so hard ..............

I really need strength ...to outdo myself

I think this time seriously pull me off limit .......

backup

" The Beauty of falling apart "

everything has its own time

A TIME for falling apart and A time to build up again

sometimes we fall down

can't get back up

It's never too late ....

The beauty of falling apart is for us to learn how to pick it up again and again

the beauty of falling apart is to show the greatness of the creator

picking up

I've notices that today is the third day I am actually dwelling in dullness mode.

the end !!! after third day, everything should be build up and picking it up slowly.

compose my mood, come near and confess, then bear the lesson and move on...

I wanna be happy before I get some good rest tonight.

although tonight really miss my phone after just now accompany my friend went to a mobile shop and really sick seeing the ex ex phone !!" happened"it was the past, but the painful lesson craved in my heart like an ache.

own declaration !!!

all the small thing,

I must take true care and fully responsibility

I noticed seriously once I don't care about small little thing

I will not be faithful in doing great thing.

seriously illness I got

" You've lost it because you don't treasured it "

conclusion.

that's what my friend and the funny polis had taught me.

precious phone lost

These few days seriously having a really hard time, no matter struggling with myself or under hard circumstances ....just simply haih and today another very very bad day

Today I've just lost my lovely phone seriously .....

of course I am so sad ... I just bought less than a month and I planned to use for another 5 years

and this phone really meant a lot a lot for me ........seriously.

and I've lost this phone which dissappointed my mom once again

that I am not being thoughtful and take good care of the things that she given to me

do you know my mum given me a better handphone instead she is using a very very old one.

the message where my mom just send last night, my 5 years contact list ....

And surprising after all the analysis..there is no careless mistakes ..

not that I lost it ......... But suspended someone in the class stolen it ...........

who will do this to me ............. I seriously haih .................

I am not ok at all ............ totally devastating ...........

hard to make a climb at the first place

dare not make any promises anymore.Unsure of the time that I would let someone down again and again. I think I haven’t forgive myself for I've done. Now and then I discover that I am a person very hard to make a move,I hesitate everytime, i stumble before I take a move. seriously just don't know why I am not a person who I used to be. I am afraid of commitment and giving promises......not because of others but I have no faith onto myself............ I would just fear and fred ........I am fear of taking any risk and keep thinking that what if I failed again and what left it's just hurt and broken heart ? do I have the courage to pick up my own shattered heart again?

..........................................................................................................................

just took a long warm bath ..............

.......... At least try to recompose myself while taking the extra minutes of warmness inside ........warmth the coldness of heart

haih ....................look at the mirror suddenly I felt that I don't recognize the person inside

what should she do now .........

What else she could do to fix everything at least for this moment ............

Should she just give up on herself, "let her be that way, BTW she never ever learn "

or make it a better ? Like what she always wanted to do ... but everytime stumble again and again

Does she has the courage or just fred and push it away .......................

would she be fine .........................?

" I don't know "

I don't even know you anymore "

my sickness

Numb seriously

The mess of me ...........

So awful .. awful .....

i felt so insecure , I stumble, I fall. dreadfully awful .........

Once again I felt that I live in my own world again .. Just me.

a tiny, fragile heart ...................................

Everytime, when mistakes happen, it bother others too, I just couldn't fix it on my own.

look at what I'd done, what I'd said, who I am is just a piece of broken wreck......

I failed everyone, everyone.......just keep letting them down again and again ...................

don't know I am totally doleful but the tears just holding in ..........

I am my own affliction

I am my own disease

there ain´t no drugs to make me well

The sickness is myself

seek and save

“I will seek what was lost and bring back what was driven away, bind up the broken and strengthen what was sick" (ezekiel 34:16)

"I seek out My sheep and deliver them from all the places where they were scattered on a cloudy and dark day"(Ezekial 34:15)

everytime when I am lost, I will surely found because of love just touched my heart .......

Someone somewhere

once again ...... i miss that feeling seriously

sometimes I think this is crazy, but maybe is not

wish I could make it better ....look at the same spot I am watching, i just caught my breath in

but seriously I am missing you ......

the art of losing

The art of losing ............

sometimes I fall down, can't get back up

felt like hiding and kept silence is the best way

but we human is like that, we will never see a crash until it head on.....

It's never too late to live like we are dying everyday

Start lookin at hands of the time I've been given

If time is all I got, then I gotta start thinking

If every second counts on a clock that's tickin

do I wanna turn it all around or throw it all away ...

i am allergic to myself

walking in your shoes

Everyone should own a pair of shoes

it bring us to the destination

A beautiful destination

it leads me to explore the journey

miles by miles

steps by steps

figure it

"when you say you gotta do it, just do it !"

never give up. suck it up !

Sometimes you fall before you fly

Sometimes you laugh when you should cry

Go figure

When things got messed up

You wanted to give up

Nothing seemed right but turned out fine

"no need to tell others how much you could do,

just figure it out whatever you need to do

and finish it whole heartedly"

past emotional

after my emotional over

i felt like I need to talk about it

actually these couples of days, I am so upset about the photography thing .....

The photos i took is totally horrible and millions of swearing after you screen it.

Seriously, i can't take this because everything must start from zero using an advanced camera.

seriously, I was so so so upset. totally lose interest. I lose confidence. totally puffff ... like sliding down the mountain.

do you understand the feeling when you got the picture in your mind,you visual before you take

but it turn out it wasn't ............it wasn't what I want .......... it wasn't!!

you have the bloody image in your mind .........but because of the settting and the lightning you just so many thing to take care of..... instead of just like compact cam just angle.

. and photograph it takes the second time it would be nice again. that's what i think, you lose the moment.

can you imagine that I doubted myself so much so much, I blame myself so much so much. feeling like giving up seriously...

Falter

............................... "long sigh " ..........................................

disappointment would just simply break your heart

I am just simply losing faith

just simply apathetic

this used to be one of my favourate photo but now it's totally devastated

The vignette it is just......

no matter what ... It is something wrong .....somehow, someway I don't know

it just doesn't feels "right" or

..........................haih

didn' t I tell you that passion will let you down.

pride will also blindfolded our deficiency.

Sometimes Love comes around

"Love is a word till someone you meet gives it a meaning ...

It means a lifetime with that person "

have you met yours?

If you'd met love ..embrace it

If you haven't found....

patiently awaits love to thrive

If you are not sure ..

Take a look around for love

Forgiven.

Today I really ... in my class seriously for the childishness behavior that they do......

but .....some voice inside told me about:

I am also a mess. An imperfect man. There is no partial-perfect man. Or " I am better than them" this kind of theory.

Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not for people who deserve it.

If they deserve anything it is punishment.

small little thingy ....

make a small steps could make a big steps difference

which totally change our direction where we heading to ....

I think i got so many things to do everyday

include some habits which we don't think there is a problem

or some perspective which we've always hold on to .........

Make a little effort everyday this is called breakthrough your everyday

simplicity tranqullity

now sitting at a coffee house, with my labbie and a mindful peaceful mind

it has been a long time i did not do ....

i'm kinda free for this moment

after seeing a few the tick on the "to-do list" for this week

all the brochure, minutes finally done ...

*sigh* finally .......i really enjoy these moment of tranquil .. calmness of mind.

take a slow pace of breath, reading, sipping coffee .....editing,writing

put on a =)

thinking about life ... slowly observe and reading the life of others ..

I like these feeling ~~~it has been a long time.

" I dreaming of a white christmas ..........................

now I've just noticed christmas is around the corner again"

bad dieeyyyy

awhen you felt something bad gonna happen once you woke up,

it's a bad sign call you not to step out from the house something gonna happen !!!!

here's my bad day, seriously bad...

1. I forgot to bring something which I need to drink every day.

2. bad hair day

3. My student said she want to stop because its nov .. so i'm jobless for now.

5. Had a really salty salty salty salty spagetthi lunch

6. rushing to print my assignment brochure, once step out, heavy rain pour down

7. late to fetch my sis, which make her wait and get mad at me

8. rushing for piano lesson, the tutor cancel it without any consent.

9. no luck for empty parking slot, just park at whatever space

10.went to gurney which I noticed i don't have any small notes after withdraw money, I need to pay for the carpark

11. purposely went down to MPH bought a mag get the small changes and guess what !!!!

I've lost my parking ticket !!!!!! need to pay RM 20 for the 15 mins !!!!

12. don't know what the shite happen to my HP, the memory card can't read the damn data inside.. which I just bought a week ago.

13. go shopping for shoe !!! don't have what i am looking for!

14. Tonight broadband keep disconnecting !!!

so now I am sitting don't do anything, just waiting for the sky to fall down

Do you know the enemy ?

Do you know the enemy ?

look at the mirror ....

is "ME"

"never compete with others, just compete against myself..."

look at what I'd done, what I am doing ...

The only person you should ever compete with is yourself.

“The principle is competing against yourself. It's about self-improvement, about being better than you were the day before.”

carved

" Some memories are meant to keep

frame the beautifulness of the time of blossom

right inside of every heart i'll there is something is still there

which are unforgettable "

maybe I still .. maybe I am not ...

sometimes you notice that love is just like a wind, the breeze flew across ..

you'll miss the feeling, felt like missing something somehow in someway

just that little something .....

it is that special someone that is so unforgettable just across your mind

your eye gaze will become soften, maybe face put on a smile or a frown

that space it is still there maybe I am waiting ... waiting

maybe its foolish but I am not struggling anymore ..

I don't think that is hoping .. but it is just like watching a flower waiting for the time bloom

Maybe a lot of people would just come across my mind

but deep inside our heart

we know there is someone, someone special one who belongs to the heart

So i don't force myself to forget certain thing ever again because that's was bitter .

so just let it be .. put in the deepest corner ...

paint some color inside the corner of my heart ...

instead of whining

nothing can cover up the flaws or the imperfection

no matter in what way

physical, mentally, responsible thing, academic thing

once you know it ..

suck it up and make a change ..

the ungrateful one

Grateful from the deepest of my soul.

everytime when I ask you'll give me the best than I ever asked for.

everything, when I reflects back I know you'll do your best and give me the rest.

never ever let me down whatever I asked for anything because you just eagerly wanna see my

happy smile. =)

you all not just eagerly wanna fulfill me wants and needs, but to fulfill the love inside me.

never ever you all disappoint me ...but I've always fails you all.

I have done nothing.nothing to show my gratitude.

Thanks for taking all my childish temper, uncontrollable emotional, unthoughtful frustration, and unpleasant manners.

It's not just material stuff, but given me your heart

the patience, tolerance, sacrifices.. and love

I don't think that is spoilt but is your thoughtfulness and never failing love that touches me.

I have more than enough ....

let the word "FAMILY" become an abbreviation but not just simply a vocab.

" Thanks for God give me the greatest Gift of all, my parents, my family. Lord, bless my parents with a good health and pray for in the future and now, learn to how to put my gratitude and love into action. Teach me and show me how to love.""

flattering mouth works ruin

"Practice what you preach "

talebearer

"As iron sharpens iron,

So a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.

(proverbs 27:17)"

Sometimes I will think that isolation from others maybe the best choices not to hurt others or either myself ....

But everything need to go through something that against our will to discover yourself and others ........human may disappoint us, but it's the matter of heart.

True friend will always tell me the ugly truth, ugly truth about myself

not the thing that I wanna hear, contradicting, they are they one who scold you, makes you upset but they are also the one who up-lifting you.

Agape in greek .....

On the night before you died, you prayed for me, that I would be as close as a heartbeat to the Father (John 17:22).

On the night before you died, you called me friend, no longer a servant, because you’d taught me everything the Father taught you (John 15:15).
On the night before you died, you came to me with bloody sweat dripping down your face and arms because you’d stared straight into the future with eyes wide open at the truth, while I hid behind the covers of my deep, denial sleep.

On the night before you died, you shook me and seemed to ask, “Can’t you watch with me? Come beside me, friend, and wait the time with me” (Matthew 26:40, author paraphrase).

On the night before you died, I saw a man intimate with sorrow, but also the Word become man, “the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth” (John 1:14 NIV).

On the night before you died, you understood my struggle, but never demanded that I understand yours. You whispered, “I know how it is, brother, the spirit is willing, but the body is weak” (based on Matthew 26:41 NIV).

On the night before you died, I saw you, friend, so full of sorrow, yet, on that night you proved to be the better friend, still the teacher, still the brother, still thinking of me above all your own needs, the Lamb of God on mission to redeem faulty friends, like me.