shadow in every corner ..

Currently get to know that your status there..we never alone under all the busy city light .. never .. ...but hey look .. that's the road you've chosen you have to be happy no matter what .. Wherever I go .. I hope that I could see a shadow of you I'm serious .. whenever Where I go .. it reminds me ..it gives me hope but every time i get a empty hope .. i'm a liar to myself ..Have you ever had that person that you can't seem to stop thinking about...and you don't know why?
I just wish all the very best to you I will smile and wish you=) Maybe i'm just a greedy person that hope that everything wish under my expectation but thing doesn't go through what we want .. the connection would just slip away that fast time would heal everything I wish i'm a person that could never look back a person that wouldn't hold on anything back maybe i'm just being foolish .. foolish...
I wonder why .I get the best feeling in the world when you say hi to me, or even smile, because I know even if just for a second, ... I crossed your mind.....
but i'll walk away and keep moving on nicely..In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life:" it moves on". so why should I and frown and keep hoping for a emptiness ..

"It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone - but it takes a lifetime to forget someone. "

p.s: I need time to blind fold myself
i do know all these happen is meant to be

Free from hidden sins

Sin is just outside the door .. take it or leave it
anger? frustration? Lazyness? Loss of self control? being mean? wicked thought ?
we have the authority and freedom to step on it ..
do you listen to the voice inside knocking ?
saying " hello, this is wrong !!"
the conscience inside us
which christian call it Holy Spirit that guild us

Who can discern his errors? How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?
Forgive my hidden thoughts. Cleanse me from these hidden faults.
Keep your servant from deliberate sins!
Don’t let them control me.
Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin.
( Psalms 19:13-14)

Priceless investment

Phew ! after Christmas finally i could call it a break ..
Ahem finally I have some leisure time for myself
go to shopping to pampered myselves ..

.. But I spent my time most with friends and family
Priceless investment of time
This month is a good chance to meeting friends and family
and is a good chance to express how much you miss them and appreciate them
a chance to express my love and gratitude =)
Thanks to all friends in my life
I know that I am not alone
and I have something to hold on .. is you all =)
Thanks for spending time and money
Include some of my lame joke and foolish act
maybe my stupidity will add some laughter in your life
Hahaha .. but I am really slow .. we call it ritard (RETARD) in music term
I do really have a great time
I love this season of december =)

I miss my friend and lecturer in College huhuhuhu =<
esp Fern, Dee !!!!
and of course the annoying Ian ..hahahaaha

Look up and smile

I don't want to frown any more =(
I want my smiley face
to face the sunshine of the day every day with a big smile
I need to keep moving on
I felt so awful when I was in a bad mood
it is so ugly when I frown
everything seems so colourless and dreadful
I want too see the vibrant color of life
and I want to see the vibrant face in every faces that I met
Life is still good ..he is so good ..
SMILE =)

IS time to let go

..................Let go is a way near to happiness .............
"Let go the balloon boy "

Everything and anything will change
some thing that I've always holding on
My thought is a mess now ..
and the sadness suddenly filled up the air ..
Sudden Despair ..
Wet beside my cheek and eyes
Why .??
I wondering why?
Why this happen
is there no other choices
or because of someone ..
I don;t know anymore ..
isn't because of the one imp in your heart
or just because you leaving just an option ..
I .... am speechless
I think is time to let go
and keep moving with my life
I think is time to let go ..
just like letting go the balloon into the sky
so that once again I would have my freedom ..
I laugh at my own stupidity ..
I want to cast down every thought ..
you'r just a shadow that passes by
it could be good that you leave
so that I could stop hoping
Is ok that you have to go away
I want my freedom .......
It's time now ..
I should smile and walk away because it is a relief ..
to let go ...

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." - Herman Hesse

=)

Ching ... doraemon time reflector

Today while I was running on the treadmills
Some past has been pop out in my mind
Reflected back some stupid things and the funniest thing that I'd ever done ..
Something that I'd done that I feel like
" Eww .. That's not me !! "
but hello ..*grin* " that what you did !! "
Hehehe .. I will laugh at my stupidity act and some immature act and recall back the wrong doing that I had done so that in the future .. I won't do that We tend to change from day to day no matter what ..
You can't be who you were yesterday but
You can choose to be who you wanna be for tomorrow
So ... Goodbye the stupidity and the past
I want a revolution =)
In fact the stupid and dumb act that we've done really make us laugh at ourselves ..

Monkey ... Big and small 1 ...


Okay how should I start ..
Erm .. a lot of story in sarawak for 10 days ..
Ahem Ahem
I was thinking for the last couples of day
how should I rearrange and flash back what I had done in Sarawak
till now I still can't using words to describe ...

Okay ..
This Mission trip is AWESOME !!
and I miss there !
I've learn a lot a lot
and the Mission trip
bring to aaaa ... revolution in me

I need time to flash back
and dig out the pieces of pieces of memories and put it in words ..
Ahem ..
I will try
give me some time ..

I miss them !!! I really do !!
my lovely little friend aka student there
more post about the sawarak trip will post soon

now in sarawak ..

1 more day to go .

An excitement trip and thrilled ....

Now is the 9th days in sarawak

I miss my bed *grin*

I miss my PC

I miss my family

I miss the lovely island

small island penang ..

Wohoo ..

tomorrow going back !!!!

always hoping for a new excitement experienced

and the journey to explore .

not only to explore sawarak but

is to explore deep inside

and the ethical culture and different ideology beneath ..

I will be back tomorrow muahahahahah ..=)

Where are you

I've LOST my Ipod


Do you know how it feels when you woke up in the morning
Hanging a big smile on your face
and you started to looking for your Ipod to perks up your mood
and you noticed that :

"GOSH where is my Ipod ?"
"Grrrrrrrrrrr.. where is it?"
" When is the last time I've used it? "
"When? When? When?"
" College, Car, Room ?"
" No, i've searching all the places like crazy mad lady looking for son

The similar questions keeps running in my head ..
and distracting my mood
a big mood sway because of this Ipod
although is not a very "superior" kind of Ipod
but do you know how I've obsessed with Ipod?
The thing that I ever wanted ..
but I just lost it
damn ..


"Ipod, Ipod where are you??"

Refrain

i'm back !

I've been looking for water but I come up dry
Thought that I could find happiness but
Now I know what I should do
Seeking for a abundant life
Go to trust the simple truth
Go to trust all I really need
Go to trust my passionate now
I'm coming ..
Coming back to the arm never far out of reach
Love that call me when
I lose my way..Hold me when
I feel afraid So I'm not in grey
no more getting caught in the middle between black and white
I know where I stand
I know the only thing that of worth living for

The meaningful purpose in my life :) ..
YET SIMPLE JUST TRUST ....

p.s: I am smiling inside out when I write this blog =)

"My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." (john 10:10)
" if ANYONE in Christ, He is a new creation;
the old has gone, the new has come" (2nd Corinthians 6:17)

BETRAYAL !!!

"Don’t let anyone, particularly someone
who has betrayed your trust,
maintain a grip on your emotions."

Seen The LIGHT

After Editing : Visual that keep playing in my mind


A girl looking at the sun's ray in a forest
the warmth of sun ray's falling on her skin
the light that she seeking for
she looking for ..the LIGHT
like a hope that she always seeking for

This is my perception ...I can feel it

This scenarios keep repeating floating in my mind
This particular imagination keep viewing in my thought ..
running across my mind ..
Keep playing in my thought
I don't know why
I just can't explain ..just stick in my mind
I searching very very very hard looking the photo that match the visual in my mind
But this is the least I could find
I just couldn't find a perfect photo that match perfectly the visual in my mind
Hence I edit the photos closely similar to the picture in my mind
I try to find out the meaning beneath ...
I wonder .. Wht's my subconscious trying to tell me

I want Empty

Empty Me .. Empty me of the selfishness inside and every poison of my pride Empty me of the lazy, sluggard heart and fill me with zeal and strength .. fill me with spirit and hope .... fill me with whole-heart this is my only plea .. PLEASE !

Christmas .. a season to spend our fortune ???

Traditionally, today is the start of the Christmas shopping season-although, the Christmas decorations have been out and the big sales have been going on for weeks already, haven't they? Retailers seem to push harder and harder each year to convince us to spend and spend because we need more and more. And you know what? It works!!! We get all caught up in a mindset that says we can only truly express our love for somebody if we can find and buy the perfect gift or either have a countdown party It's a very sad scenario, not only because a holiday that is based on love freely given has become a symbol of consumerism and purchasing but because a season that is to be filled with joy and hope becomes a time of stress and emptiness.Christmas has become more and more commercial and loses it real meaning of Christmas

Christmas is about LOVE ..
The start of LOVE
The way to spending time with your love one
family, friends that come back from aboard
The time to gather around the table
and start counting our blessing ..
rather than just countdown partying ..
Christmas is more than that ..

UNREAL

how should we forget about someone
anyone just like "click " !!
and they would just disappear in your mind
haha don't tell me
TIME would make us forget
I want now !
these few days so many things happen
everything like started to change ..
the feeling swayS ..
the principles I'm always hold on to !
even sometime lose myself
This might be a good thing
or vice versa
everything has double effects
my important principle is:

DON'T LET SOMEONE BECOME A PRIORITY IN MY LIFE
WHEN I AM JUST AN OPTION IN THEIR LIFE

break through

A choices that we've made would come more than we expected
everything is more than enough if you make a right choice and
commit into it give all we have to give
Blessing is beyond our wildest dream as long as we
"launch down into deep .......... let down our nets ......... and Catch ..."
break away from comfort zone and step out in faith what's in my heart where he placed it .. " BREAK THROUGH "

"launch down into deep ..........
let down our nets .........
and Catch ..."

Slow Fade

I wonder ..how can I fix back everytime ..
I am crumble currently, everything just like falling apart
"Be careful of my eye what I see
Be careful of my heart what I think
Be careful of my lips what I say"
I would leave broken heart astray by the words I spoke
Do not let your heart invade by grey
there is no black or white anymore
there is no right or wrong anymore
Be careful if I think I stand !
I might just stand on a sand ..
I might fall badly ..
CRUMBLE hardly

When you'r in Grey ... is dangerous
The heart started to invade by pessimistic ..
barely to see the sunshine while you'r in grey

A season to LOVE .. Roses symbolic LOVE

Credit : Esther Tee
Wedding marches is a prelude of a marriage
but every steps taken is to explore a true love
Marriage is a starting point of true love
A ring is a symbolic of Commitment and love
Marriage is not a show,
Which is to be shown in public,
But it is a center of two souls.
we can't find a perfect couple sitting among the audience
but we could find perfect couple..
that two hearts bound become one
that's call true love
relationship is not a reflection of an image
we can't find a perfect ONE
neither our parents or Adam and Eve
but because of imperfection make us perfect ..
is just like a roses always match perfectly with sun flower..

FRUS

quick to listen,
slow to speak,
slow to become angry


I need to be more more more patience ..
esp when everything cram in ..
I would just get mad easily
and I couldn't bother..

Prejudgement ..

"If we judge others only by their outer appearance,
we might miss the wonderful surprise of
what’s in their heart. "
— Bill Crowder

You are wht you are currently

Maybe I'm the one who walk away
walk away from all these ..
and left everything behind ..

where is my smile ??
it falling apart .. become debris
where is my optimistic attitude ??
dunno throw in the dustbin ...
where is the last time I really give thanks ??
I don't remember ..
now is just cover with blaming and excuses
where is the last ESTEE
I don't know
got lost somewhere .....
do not know the way to go home
Where is my dream, goals, passionate ???
I don't know
I forget to save it in my heart .'.
or I've deleted from my heart
now is just EMPTY

I WONDER, I DOUBT, I MISS .........

capture .. before it die

credit : esther tee
freeze the beautiful of a flower before it dying
Capture the vibrant colour of the flowers
actually it already half dead
a flower has a very short period of beautifulness
A very short moment of blossom
a short moment to see the world
a short moment to appeal the beauty

this brought me to another way of thinking
when is our to blossom..
when is our time to fade away?
when is the most prettier time in my life?
when is the dreadful time?

Garden walk

today at 11:30 am decided to take a jog or a walk in botanical garden alone ......
though it was really a hot day ..
trust me .. is 12pm man
at least I want to be alone find that there is a nice place
I have a chance to slow down my pace of life
and concentrate on my footstep
focus on every movement around me
focus of every living thing
listen to the natural breath
the natural and calm surrounding
study the color of flower
matching of the surroundings

"DO not run away from problem too long
it will made you be like a coward !!"

Aimless .. hopeless

I'm now sitting on my bed
a lot of questions and doubts just pop into my head
stupid self-esteem lying on the door
start doubting
haih .. feeling like want to cry out to someone
or express to someone
but ......
I just do not know who to call and how to express my feeling
i just realized that as we grow up, people tend to keep things to themselves a nd
is kinda hard to just burst out so easily to anyone ..anybody
especially from the inside ....
hope that I have somewhere to hide from all my problems
and hope that I could have someone to rely on
someone that could read me without me saying any words.
tears just rolling in my eyes
speechless
i do really hope that I could just talk to my parents and
share with them .. how pathetic I am
but I can't
what I could do is just throwing temper to them
maybe is my way to get attention from them
and they know that something has happen to me
and leave me alone ..
I hope to see the sunshiine again
I felt that my shoulder is so so heavy
I miss the shadow of stranger ...

Sun flower wanna-be

Sun flower-wanna-be
connection between the sun and flower
Sun flower always smile to the sun :)
just only to the sun :)
haha .. the connection is just amazing between flower and SUN

When you fall

So much to do .. wanna shout ! want freedom !
wanna run away .. wanna give up ..loose my step

something I hold on .. voice from inside
" Estee, enjoy what you doing !
Do not complaint ! stop and try your best !
is a chance for you to learn
A chance to become stronger
A chance to prove your abilities and what's in you
ENJOY IT and STRIVE, LET GOD DO THE REST
Don't give up DO whatever I could do !! "
that's what my heart said so ..

"If the mind keeps thinking you've had enough
But the heart keeps telling you don't give up
Who are we to be questioning, wondering what is what
Don't give up
THROUGH IT ALL, JUST STAND UP!"

"THOSE who stand for nothing fall for anything "

post angry :)

for me I would said :
"Drive carefully
save a car "

THANK GOD
my parents are always nice ..being thoughtful ..
although they still think that i'm a suckzz driver
because they dare not sit in the car whenever I drive .
haha
they accept my reckless everytime
and they'll fix the car problem for me.
and whenever they drive they could give some free lecture
how should I drive a car and bla bla bla
especially my dad, he is a supert careful driver
although drive very very slow--- " Pak Cik driver "
but at least is safe :)
not like me :)


1 thing i'm curious is about
why everybody is driving
they get the P liscene
I have too !!
BUT
within 1 year plus
I could hit my car 15 times from the day I pass until now
scary !! how many tragic will happen
i'm not exaggerate ..IS SERIOUS MATTER
My car being fixed like 6 times already
I think got cursing or something !!
It might be a curse to my car or
a curse towards me ... this stupid driver !!

how could I stop the damage and tragic not to happen again ???

a day not to be remembered DAMN IT !!!

CAN I CUSS NOW !!!!!! DAMN IT DAMN IT !!!!! WHY I HATE Today !!!
pls excuse me now !!!!!
I'm BOILING hot !!!!!!!!! 100000000000000% DEGREE CELSIUS!!!
ARGH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK FUCK FUCK @@#@$@#!$@!$@#@#%@#$!%#$
argh !!!!!!!!!

can you imagine that after you were rushing like hell to pass up the assignment before 5pm
and everything is you have to bear it and finish it !!!!
AND just after 5 pm you walk out of the college
take a deep breath that ... woo .. relief !!!
at least something was done

and !!!!!
YOU SEE YOUR CAR WRECK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND NOT like a light wrecked you know !! I wouldn't mind if just scratch !!
iS MY CAR BACK SIDE BUMPER YOU KNOW !!
THE UNDER TYRE COVER COMING OUT
AND A SERIOUS DAMAGE ON THE SURFACE !!!!
DAMN IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHhhhh


I dunno which BRAINLESS, BRAIN IN THE ASS people just bang on my car while i'm parking on the road side !!!!!
pls la HUMAN !!!!!! if you accidentally hit on other car and the driver is not there
would you leave a contact number !!!
I WILL !!! damn you I definately will !!!!!
ARGHHHhhhhHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!

BRAINLESS PEOPLE DO YOU KNOW THAT MY CAR JUST REPAIR and painted new !!!
and you just bang on my car !!!
I WAS THINKING TO CALLL THE COPS AND
CALL THE AMBULANCE to fix my car !!!!!
ARGHhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I"M ANGRY !!!!
ANGRY !!!!!!!!!!


EVERYTHING JUST HAPPEN !!!!
ARGHHhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I NEVER NEVER THIS ANGRY before !!!
argh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This time my car wreck is 100% not my fault !!!!!
ARghghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I know I can't believe i could swear and cussing now !!!
you can't believe i will post this
if you feel uncomfortable
DUN READ ..
this is MY BAD SIDE and 1000000000000000% of anger !!!
I JUST WANNA BURST IT OUT
AND EASE MY ANGER ...!!!!!

TEAMWORK ..
each one of us has different abilities and role to plays in every team work
to discover the color in each of the group members ..and of course
to discover
HOW MUCH COULD I DO ? HOW FAR HAVE I TRY? HOW MANY I'VE LEARN ?
what is the purpose or reason behind to group with " hard core" character in a team


Whooppsssyyyy ...Tons of group assignment to go !!
New challenges, new hope !!!
I hope I could keep the faith and hold the words I've said