unthankful

Maybe they love me less compared to them maybe partially love not whole .. they do love but not enough, not much ..... do love really count in amount? or just my own self-pity ......... I've never been good in their eyes .. That's it ..that's fact that's the hurt which I never ever want to remember or mention a word. I do felt like we are people who stays under the same roof and without connection.This is just a empty house not home, which I would never felt protected, secure, happy. that's why I rather to be alone. sometimes I am thankful for where I came from sometimes I don't. Sometimes I doubted the love offers, sometimes I just wish I could be like others. sometimes I wish they could be just like others .I hate myself for not being contentment right now ......what to do? *siggghhhh*

I HAVE A DREAM ...

Passion that I don't want live without ......

chase for the some thing inside that I've lack
and wanted the most ....

p.s: thanks dee for the present is not plainly decoration
but a start ..
a good start, i want it end with a beautiful ending

Stop sluggish

.................Irresponsible .......
My heart is cold when I see disappointment in one's eyes
I have failed them ...
I think is a wake-up call
I need to buckle up
and start to tie responsibility on my neck
I just hope I could devote whole-heart
in accomplish the task
It is a wake up call
Stand up, sluggish !!
Go slacker !

a shepherd for the dark place

The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not be in want
............................
He restore my soul.
...............
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil,
for You are with me.
(Psalm 23)

Whatever it is that may troubling me today,
trust in the shepherd who leads in sunshine also leads in shadow of the day.
His presence sustain me.
His care never ever fail.

when you'r big, Others are small

We are, by nature, self-centered. When hurt by someone, our natural inclination is to hurt back.
It is natural to hide money instead of generously sharing it, to defend yourself when criticized, to hide your mistakes instead of confessing them, and to try to impress others.
I want to figure our what will be pleasing by doing the opposite of my natural inclination.
I think is just one way:

" shrinken myself become small"

" Life is all about you, only you ?? "

"If you don't like something change it;
if you can't change it, change the way you think about it", Mary Engelbreit.

How truly I know

Have I seen ??
our heart being blocked by self-centered, self-indulge, self-obsess
in mine eye is just me ..
Life is not just about "me" .........
how much I know ?

when is the time

today my friend asked me
"where is your ultraman"
because we've been chatting about relationship thingy he is always be the one to concern
"Not the show time yet ?? " i replied
I really think when would be the time?
i think maybe that would be unexpected and full of surprises
just like ultraman would just appear anytime on the screen, and all of us would know
"he surely would come"
i think I shall do something worth and meaningful before it actually started screening ..

this couples of day actually I gradually force myself to stop the thought
I think now the baloon on my hand
I've already let go ... 40 %
I am not going to chase anymore
it would just make me feel like a fool
indeed, sometimes I would think
"would I regret that I let go without any afford done?"
don't know sometimes i would just fall into dilemma ....
hold on the thread or just leave it ?

broke down

The black dot on a white paper
would never ever erase it ..........
but how should I continue to make it beautiful?
make the black dot become word or beautiful portrait.
or continue struggling in blaming and the dot itself ?

NO starry night ..

A way to calmness in the dark night
This is not a starry night ..
Dragging a tired, sick, soul emptiness staying alone
is the best to search for a minute in yourself ...
just like the weave hit on the boat,
just like feeling when the breeze blew acroos my nerve
have a cold inside
really hurt ... how could you do this to me??

12 ways to know you like someone ..

This is a forward email which I found interesting and true :
12 Ways To Know That You Love Someone

TWELVE:
You talk with him/her late at night and when you go to bed you still think of him/her.

ELEVEN:
You walk really slowly when you are with him/her.

TEN:
You don't feel Ok when he/she is far away.

NINE:
You smile when you hear his/her voice.

EIGHT:
When you look at him/her,you do not see other people around you.You see only him/her.

SIX:
He/She is everything you want to think.

FIVE:
You realise that you smile every time you look at him/her.

FOUR:
You would do anything to see him/her.

THREE:
While you have been reading this, there was a person in your mind all the time.

TWO:
You've been so busy thinking of that person that you didn't notice that number SEVEN is missing.

ONE:
You are going to check above if that's true and now you are silently laughing to yourself.

beautiful lie

I think I must be wake up now
rethink, isn't a feeling that I've been chasing just a feeling that to fulfill the emptiness inside
Gripping a feeling that I don't want to lose the most?
Or everything is just a lie.. a beautiful lie to myself ?
I need to rethink and looking for it myself
started to doubt the initial a bounce in my stomach
and doubted that the lies is just one person playing the part on stage
keep telling myself, there is still something .. there is still something
however it is just a beautiful lie....
I need to wake up and give myself a smack on my face !!
the beautiful liar is me

Birthdee !

oki !! 2nd day of 19th, sweet 18th pass
mia birthday is awesome awesome
actually nothing special about birthday just a day for me
I've put a big smile thinking " ok, today is my, is my birthday !! "'
and a day to celebrate with friends .. get drunk!!
haha and done something stupid..
and tuck on the bed with all the wishes from friends and family
noticed that there are still many people hold on me, and I want to hold on them
=)

What I want for birthday !! look and buy it

my birthday is about 10 minutes more
actually nothing special about birthday,
what special is about people
where they place you in their heart
I'm not glad that tomorrow is my birthday
what make your birthday special, is not the DATE !!
is you and the special bond between you and others.
birthday is about others ..touched by them

Today, I'm touched by the people around me
i'm glad that I'm in their mind and heart.
They remember me, they care!
especially today went out with two group of people
some buddies they asked me to pick something that I want
or ask what I want for gift
actually i want to tell you guys that
the heart of remembrance and care
actually worth than the gift
you guys are my best gift ever
every one around me is the best gift ever.
so don't ask me what I want
I want is something from inside
the love from the bottom of your heart is what I ever wanted
not just birthday, is a whole life thingy
Gift is not from birthday, is from how a person make you feel
be honest I'm not a person that lack material stuff
what I need is just you and your existance in my heart
and of course my presence in yours too =)
a gift and wishes from the heart

unexpected

Embrace
Gratitude
LOVE
=)

H.A.P.P.Y

happie is just simple feel enlighten,
bright like i'm flying in the air
the steps that I took is just light above the ground
even the air that I gasped taste fragrance smell taste great
i just SMILE
I think I could get over and be a better person
by not magnify problem
would worrying add a single hour in our life
nope it would make us swelling in regret, mistakes, grieve
" life is hard, yet still beautiful "
SMILE =)

yo .. bro

Oh the guy beside me .. IS you !!!!jonathan !!
AGAIN ! beside me ..Spot him!!







"Brother-Hood "

we laugh, tears, fight, crazy.

unexpectedly that every one of us would miss him badly !!
JON !! how's australia!!
since we'r childhood, we are like brother and sister.
been through a lot from childhood till now,
Longing to see each other every saturday and sunday.
I miss him when I go eat LOK LOK, singing together, say the word "DUH", and his weird hokkien accent !
the song that we've always sing, sorry we unable to complete our dream together ..
Jon you know what right ..
"the reason", "you will make a way", "give thanks", lee hom song, " Up town girl", Jay's song, bei jing theme.
hahahaha.. look how many years already since we were small, a special bond that hold us together.
a pure brother and sister love that we give and receive and carved in our heart.
haih .. time flies already 18 years, when you started want to appreaciate someone,
turn around they already gone to pursuit they dream
To: Jonathan
thanks for the memory that you've given to us every one. Thanks for always tolerating me ..
hahahahaa you remember?? I've always cause you to frus and shout at me !!
"DUH !!"
You cherish our day, haha the day without you is just be like we'r losing something. Yet, we've always put you deep inside our heart. we really miss you. I miss you.
Go to collect all the experience that you'r going to pursuit
till one day we would be a better person
remember those day that we laugh, cry, fight.
our loves always with you. Thanks Jon, how you doing, man?
just hope to go back like last time where we used to hang out in your house
a bunch of people broke into your house ..stay for a night.
Have a great time with your family ..
in sarawak .. in bible camp that time you angry us the most because of small matter..
hahahaha ..
a lot a lot of memories that we've spend together..
i hope I could chase back the time and could do more before you left us, =)
it might be just laughing at the golden old time, or a stupid thing that I've done,
or the more glamorous thing among us, the most embarrasing moment..
so much more in this 17 years.
especially your best buddies, Adrian, Jack, Joshua and me this brother *Grin* every one of us
you always in our prayer, remember to walk in His path.
take care ya =)we'll wait for you DR.H'NG ! hope that you would have a great success just like your dad! don't worry your grandma has a lot of grannies now !! hahaha
sometimes when someone gone, you started to realize how important them in your life
how precious the moment last time.

P.s: dun kill me I've uploaded your photos that before you go for a "MAkeover"
Oops !!! muahahaha

upbeat.

After 3 days of worsen day dwelling in frustration, wrath, cried out, broke down, tiredness
fourth day, I did smile =)
but at least i'm not gripping on things that happened before, and
not keep dwelling in the pit of problems ....
I know my days could get more harder and tougher
I shall stand firm, and watch how this battle, waging the war in myself.
I shall take a breath, refocus, restore.
I shall get stronger every day =)

Obstacle is not threat, is an opportunity to heal for me to become stronger
don't let worry and discourage cause despair in my soul
don't ever magnify the problems, it cause obstruction on my way to continue
problems stagger me
I was magnified my problems

trying hard to break free
because of stripes i'm healed
I just need to be still
look who belong to this battle

not that easy

after a few days of in the deepest pit
It could be the top 10 hardest day in mine life
finally today, I just relief with tears dropped.........
relieved ...haih .
I doesn't know which want is the best for me
I doesn't know which want is the best, right, wrong.
isn't i'm immature to keep hurting the people around me
things just do not seems getting better each day
sadly,it getting worst ..
I know I would struggling in this hard circumstances for a period,
I wonder how could I stay strong to grab for the hope tomorrow each day.
My friend told me, think positively. but I know this is not just about me
this is concern about people around me, the family that I was once loved,the friend that i was once love, the friend that not the same anymore.

A broken heart, A broken soul .......
i just hope someone to restore it .....
I need to cry out for help ...
Haih ..

hiding

...................................................................H.I.D.E..............................................................................
this is second day
looking for a hiding place
on the outside, you think I'm alright
there's a smile on my face, everything okay
but on the inside there's a different story
longing for restoration ........
longing to smile =(
Please restore me ...........

Sorrow days would past
pain would past
rainy day would past........

unstoppable rhyme- restore me (Anthony Evans)

A big big self stupidity

Shitty day, shitty me, shitty thoughts, shitty sins, shitty look, shitty headache ..
today I just couldn't make it through
hopes that today could just pass faster man
every time in trouble times, they just hold on you
Thanks for friends ... the only one that could
Listen, care, honest, hold me on and love me =)

" sorry for the shite i've made,
i'm just too over and I am totally 95% unconscious
and at least I know who is my true friend,
there keep asking and give a slap on my face" est are you ok???" ( you know who you are)
but I do enjoy in it, it's fun, haha ..
next time i ain't gotta drink so much man ..
I would stay awake !!! "


" Thanks, I would be alright, gaik and phey, sui yen !!"

i just slept not more than 3 hours yesterday, so so so so so so so sleepy and tired, headache and sorely eyes. EYes barely open, dragging on a dead body on a bed

STRESS !!!

ok i know now i'm not suppose to blog this because i know
I have LAW !!! exam tomorrow !!!
I am going to cram my head woi ..
damn stressed out and worrying ..
SARAVANAN, the lecturer claims 11/20 marks was the highest mark in last sem..
WAT 11/20 !!!
and he said there is no direct correct answer for our answer ...
is all based on our argument ..
Haih .. I knew i am not supposed to worry ..
but I just have a feeling very hard for me to get through ..
Haih ..Hope that I would have the enthusiasm to study and could remember
can I could remember the LAW TERMs ....
Stresssssssssss.........................okie study !! GO !!

alone? lonely ?

today seen a meaningful quote

" I don't want to be lonely, I just want to be alone "

Luckily I the loneliness in me doesn't really bother me much ..
i have many things to focus on .
i trusted that if we can't be happy alone
how could you be happy when you get into relationship ..
don't expect that " I would be happy if I am with him, i couldn't stand being alone, i'm not happy"
that was bullshit !!!
if you can't be happy alone, how could bring happiness to your partner
happiness move in both ways .. you and him. she and you.
if you hoping for the somebody appear in your life
fulfill your loneliness inside
think about it, do you really committed in this relationship just because
you just pursuit for your own happiness ?? think about it
isn't you love that someone because of what you lack inside you
and hope he or she could fill in the holes ?

human nature

every one knows that the true beauty of course come from the heart
but as human nature, we like beautiful things,
we want to look good, we do feels like walking beyond the ground
that why we need to perks up ourselves always look good,
clothes with trend that suit us the most,
standing in front of mirror looking at the same face every day
there is no right or wrong we pursuit for "good things"
but sometimes, isn't I care too much of these thing
and neglected some really important things in my life.
the priority in my life has been twisted without I knowing it.
I think sometimes I do care too much
isn't my confidence is just come from how I look ??
i agreed is just part of it .. yes, I have to clothes ourselves well
but don't be too obsessed i look, and causing me forget how to clothes my heart and soul
with a the brand call- CHARACTER Inside

" therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink,
or about your body, what you will wear.
is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?
seek first his kingdom and he righteousness..."
(matthew 6:28)